I Feel Your Pain

 

 

 

Over meetings with child-rights partners who work on anti-trafficking initiatives, I was asked—and not for the first time—why I do what I do (the questioners naturally were in happy favour of my ‘altruism’). But my answer perplexed them greatly.

 

There seems to be a general confusion around empathy and sympathy, and altruism and compassion. At this time of year—and with that wretched ‘save Africa’ song braying about—now is as good a time as any to wade in and ruffle a few more feathers.

 

What Empathy Is

 

Many say empathy is ‘understanding’ or ‘perceiving accurately’ another person’s state, and sympathy is ‘pity’ or ‘sorrow’ for that person’s rotten luck. Problem is, too many confuse the two and then muck it up further by tossing in ‘altruism’ as synonymous for empathy and compassion (more ‘pity’, by the way). “I know, I understand, I feel your pain.” Blech.

 

How can you ‘know’ me? You’re not me. Altruism is ‘unselfish’ concern for others (sorry, impossible. Everyone is selfish). However, did you spot the key word? That’s right: pity. Blech.

 

There is not a single person on this planet trying to help themselves and their communities who wants your damn pity. What they want is your respect, tolerance and fellowship.

 

Re-re-re-releasing a nasty little song with odious lyrics to ‘help Africa’ now fight Ebola is neither empathy (‘No rain nor rivers flow’ in Africa) nor sympathy (‘Thank God it’s them instead of you’. Sorry, WTF?) and it certainly isn’t altruism (‘Spare a thought this Yuletide for the deprived’).

 

It’s shilling for one’s career disguised as knowing-what’s-best-to-help-those who apparently cannot help themselves. And all it takes is just one ‘thought’ about all those miserable masses (yes, the new lyrics were slightly amended, but it’s still white saviour drivel).

 

A handful of Anglo musicians cannot speak for ‘Africa’ no matter how much Bono screeches on about his philanthropy. What you get is ‘charity’ for Africa without any Africans involved. (And sorry, are we discussing Egypt or Botswana or Morocco?) A better response is directing human or resource capital at, say, medical NGOs working in the field.

 

It’s Understanding First

 

Empathy means you’re aware of others’ feelings, and more importantly how they perceive a given situation, because you ask ‘why’. This appreciation of a person’s point of view or situation is without histrionics, hypocrisy or judgement.

 

And the answer that annoyed my questioners? Altruism is one’s own need to act and yes, provide temporary relief to another’s suffering—but it cannot solve the systemic and structural injustices that created the misery in the first place. That requires empathy.

 

Empathy is really listening and focusing when someone is speaking (no simultaneous texting or emailing). Empathy is being genuinely curious about the people, places and situations around you. You don’t have to like them or it, but you have to be sincere about being present and willing to learn. As another example, we don’t need boys who are sympathetic that a menstruating girl is being bullied at school. We need those boys’ empathy to stand up to the bully.

 

Definitions are tough. Your behaviour is compassionate; hers is sympathetic; his is altruistic. But at the end of the day it's empathy that says all views are welcome and equal.

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Photo: Cogs by Ram Kumar / pexels.com

 

​This article originally appeared in Word Vietnam magazine and has been adapted. To view the magazine’s online version click here.

 

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